Go Bears!

I went to the California Berkeley vs. Colorado State University football game today. We shut down CSU 42-7. (: Talk about amazing! Our team but especially our defense was on fiiiire. But forreal. We scored off a blocked punt, interceptions, kick off return.. Pretty sweet if I do say so myself. I love football!.. And I'm glad my team did well today.

I'm praying for the Chargers to do as well tomorrow too! They're up here in Raider Nation playing at the Coliseum. It's gonna be rowdy in the East Bay tomorrow.. Especially since Berk is so close to Oak! But I love my Bolts and I know they'll hold it down for SD!

Anyway. I don't know why but this whole day I've had Chris Brown's "Take You Down" stuck in my head the whole day! Haha. And I keep playing it on repeat now. Yeah, I don't know. Anyway:

I've also had an obsession with Gabe Bondoc lately. (:

Anddd I'm so glad things are looking up now. No more of this distance thing, I'm gonna be on a good one from now on. And tho things aren't the same, I'm just glad to have it back. (:

Sleepy is Kicking In.

So the paper that's due today was sooo sucky. Real talk! I didn't end up starting until around 8pm, and I worked until 230am.. With the regular distractions of Youtube, Gabe Bondoc, and personal matters. I then proceeded to nap. Except. You know when you try to sleep, but you have something so pressing on your mind, that you can't? That's what happened. I had the most restless sleep (if you can even call if that). In and out of being awake until 830am. Then I finally decided I was okay enough (as in, non-delirious enough) to finish my paper. And I did, at 11am. Haha.

But really, never again will I do that to myself. That's some unnecessary stress!

Anyway, last night. One of my distractions was hilarious. My sister IMed me telling me that my dad had made an AIM SN so that we could video chat. HAHA. So I ended up video chatting with my dad, sister, and Allan. It was funny!

And it's finally a new day. The stress of papers is done. Picked up a couple extra hours at work to make them end$. And from here on out I'm staying on my griind. Ya dig?

Also, I've realized (or more like re-realized) what it is I want. And why it's worth it. And thus why I shouldn't give up. So there. (:


PS,
You're the sh*t.. Shawty. (;

IT IS WHAT IT IS

It's come to my realization that I gotta stop moping around and get out of this slump that I am currently in. I've been no bueno these past couple days cuz of some personal shit.

& I know that I may just be saying this cuz I got a lot on my mind, but the real point is that life doesn't stop for ANYBODY, no matter how tragic things may get. In my situation, it got to the point where I wasn't going to class, wasn't doing my work, wasn't answering calls. But that's not the me that I love. You know? I just gotta keep workin the me that stays on her griind, and the me that keeps doing what she loves. And that's real shit (tho).

There's still no doubts as to how I'm feeling, and nothing can change that until I'm ready. But on the realest level I can't let that be at the center of my actions. I just gotta take the good in with the bad and hope (& know) that there will be better days.

Aaaaand as a result of that slump, I am now stuck writing my entire 5-page paper in one less-than-24-hour sitting. This is what I get. Haha. Self-punishment. My bad tho -_-. Soo I think I've learned my lesson, or at least have felt the repercussions of my actions/behavior/reactions. I cannot keep doing this to myself. I really gotta stay on my griind..


On a separate note, I was on Google in class (haha) and stumbled upon a "1001 List of Books to Read Before You Die" .. And I was going to adopt this as a personal thing to do.. I went through the list and saw that I've read like 20 or so of those books. But I decided against taking this list on as a personal goal because there is too great an emphasis on modern (late 1900s-2000s) books rather than an emphasis on the classics. Because there are sooo many classics that I would love to read! Don't get me wrong, there are a handful of modern books I love too, but I think I will start compiling my own list of books to read before I die (:

& on that note, any suggestions? Cuz I gotta get back in the reading game soooon. Almost forgot how much I love it..


Anyway. Back to writing this stupid paper. Haha. Just kidding. It's actually really not stupid. It's a really interesting topic about the modes of interpreting the Constitution (primarily Supreme Court Justices Scalia and Brennan). It's been a blast so far and I think I only have four more pages to go (haha).

LAAATE.

Out of My Element..

This thing I've been going through has really been taking a toll on me and taking all my energy. It's nooo bueno, cuz I have piles and piles of work to catch up on. So I gotta get back on it.

I'm by no means back to being okay, but I guess I gotta keep myself busy so I could keep my mind off of the things that are keeping me from staying on my griind. I can no longer compromise my time with thinking and dwelling when I know there's nothing more I can do but wait, get by, do me.

So that's what I gotta do.

Things to save up for...
- A newwww laptop (cuz I want to spoil myself)
- A music player (cuz I don't have one.. Surprisingly enough)
- An external (cuz it's so necessary)
- New camcorder (cuz Paul and I fell in love with John's! haha)

Things to do this week...
- Analytic paper due this FRIDAY
- Catch up on like 500 pages of reading -_-
- Make sure my heart's okay, daily


And despite it all, you'll never know..

Necessary Strength.

I had a really good conversation with my mom today, after I finally let her know what's been going on with me.. why I was so quiet during our shopping excursions this past weekend and why I was always "sleeping" so early.

It was one of the hardest things for me to do, to let my mom know the thoughts in my mind and in my heart. I always let on, with all people but especially with her, that I'm so strong and that I can handle my own. I never ever emit vulnerability when it comes to personal things, with anyone.. My trust is hard to gain. And despite how especially hard it is for me to show her that I am weak sometimes, and I am vulnerable, and there are a few things in life that have affected my emotional well-being, she saw right through me. So I just told her everything.. And she completely understood and reminded me of why it's right.. And although I already knew, she reminded me that there are things in our lives that are there to teach us things. And I know I've learned/am still learning from this situation (although I wish it didn't have to be so final).

I continually vibe off of her strength, cuz when I don't have the necessary strength to get myself through tough situations, my mom is always there helping me keep my head up and reminding me that I'm strong too and that through my 20 years of living I have gotten through some really hard times. I love my mom for that.

And to this day I am STILL trying to learn how to put my trust in other people. And how to let down my guard once in a while and allow someone to help me get through my shit. Cuz I know that I can't keep trying to do everything alone.

It's just a matter of time.

"If you're a bird.."

My Dearest Allie,
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever.
I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Noah


.. Tell me why I ALWAYS cry during this scene. :P

Growing Up?

I never really thought about it but growing up is one of the hardest things to do. You go through so many motions in life and have to discern what to keep in your life and what to move on from.

Today's my brother's birthday.. Happy 25th birthday kuya. This is the third birthday in a row that I didn't get to spend on him, since I moved away to college. Little did either of us know that after that first year (his 23rd birthday) we wouldn't be spending his birthday together for a while. He's one year into the US Navy now and has thus spent his past two birthdays serving the country.

He is one of the strongest people I know, and I greatly admire his courage and strength. It's really hard to be alone. Sometimes I complain about being so far from everyone here, not being with family and all.. But I'm blessed with some of the greatest friends here in Berkeley and the opportunity to go home whenever I want. My brother doesn't. He's stuck somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, floating around and "celebrating" his birthday without any of his family or friends there. Whenever I think about my bro, I realize that I really have NOTHING to be complaining about.

I think out of all the people I know, he's had the most drastic experience in growing up. It makes me really proud to know and love him, and it just reminds me that I have to do a lot of that too. Maybe not in the most extreme measures that he has, but definitely in my own way through my own efforts and will.

Looking at all this, I've learned that growing up means moving on.. which is hard. Especially when you move from a life you love to a life you never imagined or hoped for yourself. It's crazy how it takes so much sacrifice.. But in the end it's worth it. Growing up is a struggle, but a blessing too.


It's the process that makes it so crazy.

In Full Force!

So it's about four weeks into the semester and I am on the griind in full force. I was looking at my planner today and I don't know how it got so full ALREADY, but week after week after week I have hefty assignments due, or big performances, or midterms, or I'm going home. I've been doing nothing but reading these past couple of days (with the exception of a few things, of course) and it's becoming seriously overwhelming. Nonetheless, I am learning so much and absorbing so much knowledge that I know my money and my parents' money are being put to good use. I guess that's the price I pay for double majoring in two law-related concentrations.. I end up with hundreds of pages of reading each night, numerous papers due throughout the semester, and the demand by our professors and instructors to think critically, analytically, politically, etc. But despite the challenge that comes from these reading-heavy courses and sacrificing going-out time to fulfill all my obligations and priorities, I am absolutely enjoying myself here at Berk this semester (.. so far).

As Amanda and I were singing yesterday.. "Welcome to the good liifeee!" Hahaha. (:

Anyway, I haven't really been doing much of anything else. Watched the Chargers game yesterday and sadlkfjdsal have my reservations and opinions about it but will leave it be for now. At least now both the players and the fans are all. fired. up. BOLTS, baby!

Complaints?

I have none, really. Except toward myself.

I've been trying to do me and be on that independent tip but I'm daily realizing that the me I've been living as.. The me that doesn't care about anyone or anything.. It's too selfish a lifestyle and there are soo many things I need to do to change for the better.

I can't keep doing this to myself and other people. I am slowly (but surely) realizing that I have to start being more mindful of what's around me. Have more regard for the people I care about. I mean yeah I'm up here in Berkeley staying on my griind but there are so many in-betweens in my life up here that I see now as inconsistent with what I am striving for.

There are so many things from my past that I'm not proud of.. No regrets, of course cuz I've learned from everything.. But it's time that I start putting those lessons into action. I can't justify any of my past wrongs, I can only make amends to my current self. If that means cutting people out of my life to keep the ones I love, then I just gotta do it. I can't keep living my life not being proud of myself. Cuz if I'm proud of myself in one aspect of my life but not in another, then it really does amount to nothing. I need to start being proud of my whole self and not just parts of it.

It's time to put things into perspective and start shaping up if I want to keep things right.


I really just hope that it's not too late..

Firsts.

The past couple of days have been quite interesting. I've been splitting my time between Berkeley and San Diego which seems impossible to say the least, considering the 500 miles that separate the two cities. I guess this fast-paced life has been catching up to me because I am currently sick. So boo to that!

Anywayyy, my time in SD was sooo well spent. Being home for the weekend was a trip because it was the first sober weekend I've had since probably last semester.. That's a trip. It's funny because allll summer I drank at almost every opportunity, and yet my first time being home since I came back up to Berkeley was one of the funnest sober times I've had since I could remember. Being around bestfriend, boyfriend, and family reminds me that I better make the most of my time up here and stay on my grind cuz I'm really sacrificing the most amazing love one could find.

On Sunday, I went to the SD Chargers v. Carolina Panthers game.. My first Chargers game ever! It was just the most amazing experience, aaaand I got to be with some of my favorite people. Plus my sister sang the National Anthem at the beginning! Which is crazy cuz it was the Chargers' season opener and not many people get that opportunity. Needless to say, the game was intense.. We all learned from that game that 2 seconds could really change everyyything. Ugh. But all in all the game was good and the Chargers will get it next time.

So I'm now back in Berkeley having gained a car up here but having lost my heart to SD yet again. It's a daily struggle to maintain sanity up here, but I just keep reminding myself that I'm on my grind for a reason and like I said I gotta make my sacrifices worth it.


PEAAACE.

Just Gotta Do It.

It was quite a long weekend and I can't believe that it is now (officially) Wednesday. Time flies

Friday night Amanda and I went to Lambdas which we hadn't done in a while. Like, a party party. Except, neither of us were feelin it and so we ended up just chillin in JMark's room with a couple of other people who weren't feelin the party party scene. It was interesting. There was a really douchey guy in there who really did not know how to keep his mouth shut. I honestly wanted to sock him in the face and didn't know why Amanda hadn't already done so. Then JMark ended up going back to the apartment with me and Amanda and we seriously just talked and caught up for a few hours. It was nice

Saturday was my first Cal football game. It was actually my first Cal football anything. As in, we went to frats before the game and did the whole "tail-gating at frats" thing. It was whatever haha. I really enjoyed being at the game tho. Made me feel like I had so much school spirit, something I've never really had in life :P. We beat Michigan State 38-31 although the score should've been so much better than that. Props to Riley for coming through for the team. Longshore on the other hand.. Ha

On Sunday I went to Church alone. It was a bittersweet thing for me to do, considering how homesick I am/was. Made my condition worse and things worsened throughout the night but it was nice to end the night watching a movie with a few good friends

My brother came by to visit me on Monday after I had AiR rehearsal. We just chilled here and hookah'd and watched some Discovery Channel. I miss chill nights like that with my bro.. It's crazy cuz he actually visited me at my own apartment in Berkeley, and it wasn't just straight chillin at our parents' house. Time really does fly. It's amazing to see that we're both on our paths to something greater than we both that we could get to. My bro's too awesome.

This post was unnecessarily long and I totally did not need to divulge all that information. Regardless, I had a pretty good weekend.